Conflict Averse...

Well, it happened again to me. Somehow found myself in an argument with a coworker today and wound up in tears. Much of this has to do with the fact that the work load is very light right now and so we're not getting as many hours. It is affecting her big time, and I feel bad that it is. But when I tried to suggest a way to help her get more hours, that's when it turned into an argument. But I don't want to go into the argument or anything like that because it doesn't need to be aired over the Internet. What I'm more interested in is why I react so badly to conflict.

It has always been this way for me. Anytime somebody is critical or snaps at me, I take it personally. It literally feels like I've been slapped across the face and across the heart. The emotional pain is so strong that it becomes physical and I am then no good for a while. It drives me crazy that I can't just be one of those people who can get into a confrontation and then have it roll off like water on a duck's back. No! I have to cry for a long time, get the lovely red eyes and runny nose and make a spectacle of myself.

Part of my problem is that I don't speak up right away when things bother me--I call it 'ignoritis'...hoping that if ignore the issue it'll go away. Unfortunately, it almost never goes away and things keep building and then I wind up exploding into tears. Sigh. I struggle with wondering if, as a Christian, I am allowed to stick up for myself. Where's the line between defending oneself and being selfish. This is a big struggle for me, I think I'll always have it. Not much else to say...I guess maybe that's the thorn God gave me that I keep asking to be removed-the apostle Paul experienced this too:

"And because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to buffet me--to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I entreated the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me."  (2 Corinthians 12:7-9

I pray that perhaps my struggle may be of some use to anyone else fighting these issues. One thing is for certain: human relationships are never easy. I guess I need to try to 'mend the bond torn by pride.' a line from the movie Brave.