Ah, another day. To continue my thoughts on being childless, I find it odd how I get alternately defensive to some people, and apologetic to others. I don't really owe it to anybody to have children, especially if I'm not suited for it and God has called me to other things. But there are definitely times that I feel guilty, especially when I see how exhausted my brother and sister-in-law get from raising three young boys, and my biggest worry is getting my butt out of bed in the morning and getting to work. (Of course, some days that IS a huge challenge!)

There are other reasons for remaining childless--it is darned expensive-with hospital bills, feeding, clothing, and 18 years later college. There is the little matter of depression running in my family and worrying about a child inheriting it. I'm also afraid I have a bit of a gender bias--I would want a daughter so badly, despite numerous people saying how much easier boys are. I don't know why my preference would be a girl-maybe to make up for the fact that there are so many unwanted girls out there and more female babies are aborted than males? (FYI, I haven't actually researched that for sure, but when you have a ratio of 1.15 boys to girls to ratio in China and 1.13 boys to girls ratio in India, I think it's safe to say that more females are aborted than males. And this is progress? These are women's 'rights'? But I'm not going to go off on that rant again because our culture is so blind as to how the right to life movement is eerily similar to the abolition movement in the 19th century--I just hope that  we wake up one of these days and see that what we're doing is child sacrifice.

On the positive side, I feel my maternal instincts come out when I'm caring for my bunnies. One of them, Tia, has a condition that requires her to bathed every couple of weeks or so. She puts up a fight. Lots of grunting and struggling when we have to catch her, and then the look on her face in the tub...she's very good at guilt trips! Today, our Coco bunny buried herself in a red blanket. When I got home from work I couldn't find her. Andy told me to look in the blanket, sure enough, she crawled out. Had to get a couple of pictures--she just looked so cute. So I guess I am a mother, in a way.  Thanks for hearing my thoughts on parenthood or nonparenthood. We'll see what I come up with next post!

Well, it's been a couple of years since I kept a blog. But something within me just can't resist the urge every once in a while to write about things I've been musing on. Lately I've been wondering exactly why my husband and I have decided against having children. Or, to be more accurate, lest some readers think I'm rethinking this decision, what factored into this decision and why I have never felt that biological clock ticking.

I think a number of things have happened that brought us to this point. The most obvious is that, at age 36, I would be older and would therefore have a riskier pregnancy. Also, I would be dealing with a teenager when I hit the age of fifty. Not so much.

Second, I am still waiting to get to the point where I officially feel like an adult, like I've got it all together. Still not there yet. When Andy and I first married, I thought, okay, as soon as I feel that I'm ready, we will do this. But guess what? I haven't felt that yet, though some would point out that there is no pop up thermometer to tell you that you're ready for parenthood the way there is to tell you that your turkey is cooked. I have yet to even get an inkling of readiness.

If I'm honest, I like my life the way it is. I like being able to go off and travel and not have to worry about too much, just the bunnies. And my rabbits usually aren't too much of an imposition on my parents. I like being able to read my five hundred books (slight exaggeration) and listen to my music. I like being able to laugh with Andy and enjoy his company.

Perhaps I'm selfish. But Andy and I feel decidedly unsuited to parenthood. I also feel that God has other plans for me. I almost feel a loud 'NO' go off in my head when I think about having kids. Something tells me that He's got something else in mind for me besides parenthood. What exactly it is yet, I don't know, but I try not to worry about--after all, Moses was 80 years old when he led the Israelites out of Egypt.

These thought to be continued. I don't know exactly where this blog is going to lead me, but I hope you'll enjoy the ride!